Sara Watches Smut: Bad Lesbian (2013)

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One thing I’ve discovered about trying to start a sex blog in the middle of a pandemic is first, in my line of work, pandemics result in massive amounts of extra work. Lesson learned; don’t work in IT!

The second thing I’ve learned is that when you’re not having sex, it’s kinda hard to write about it. Pervy thoughts are easy enough to come by, but then I just start masturbating and wear myself out.

So instead, I’m going to write today about something else I’ve been doing. Watching porn. I have watched lots of porn over the past year. It’s actually turned into a bit of a thing where I’ve taken to organising my collection of videos and erotic photosets in the most anally-retentive manner possible. Still, we’ll skip past that for now.

Instead, let’s attempt to talk about one of those skinflicks! Before anyone gets too excited, I’m not about to write a blow-by-blow critical commentary of the actual sex scenes because… really?

Bad Lesbian (2013)

This is Bad Lesbian (2013) by Girlfriends Films. From the title, you might mistakenly think this is a movie about women who are just bad at being lesbians. But no, according to the blurb this is about good girls who learn how to be bad ones… with sexy results. I may have added that last bit.

Scene 1: Dillion Harper & Cassandra Nix

So first up, we have Dillion Harper and Cassandra Nix portraying a couple of burglars; so really, they were already bad girls, right? It’s not often a movie fails at its core premise before the opening credits have finished rolling, so clearly, this is gonna be some unrestrained, innovative shit!

Anyhoo, Dillion happens across some expensive piece of jewellery but has an attack of conscience. Cassandra doesn’t give a fuck and just wants the loot. This well-organised criminal duo proceeds to have an argument, in the middle of the job, in which Dillion decides she’s through with this whole stealing business because she wants to go to art school. Cassandra tells her to get the fuck out while she spends a further five seconds nicking stuff.

We return to find Dillion sleeping on the sofa when Cassandra enters, sneaks into the bathroom, and applies fake blood and makeup to con Dillion into believing she’s just had the shit kicked out of her. Cassandra, who to reiterate told Dillion to get the fuck out, then blames her for this phantom ass-whooping saying if Dillion hadn’t left, it wouldn’t have happened.

It’s not so much ‘Bad Lesbian’ as emotionally abusive, gaslighting lesbian at this point. Regardless, cue the making up sex! At no point during the subsequent heavy kissing, fingering, cunnilingus, 69’ing or tribbing does Dillion cotton on that Cassandra’s injuries are total bullshit. Presumably, all orgasm’d out, Dillion will give up on her dreams and follow the criminal path leading to an early grave or incarceration. Shame.

Sex wasn’t bad, though, so there’s that.

Scene 2: Kiera Winters & Ash Hollywood

Moving on, Kiera Winters is on the toilet. The least convincing actress in the world portrays her mother on the other side of the door. Like Amy Poehler in Mean Girls, her mum thinks she should come and do things instead of studying like some sort of swot. Kiera, however, wants the good grades so refuses, wipes herself in the least effective way possible and stands up so we can get the crucial shot of her vulva.

While studying, Kiera sees Ash Hollywood in her garden. Ash is operating some sort of sex chat line because you’d totally do it from the neighbour’s garden. Kiera ventures outside to find out why some random girl is in her yard encouraging a guy to rub his “throbbing hard cock”.

Ash explains the walls in her house are so thin, she can’t take a shit without her mother asking whether she’s OK. God knows what type of noises she makes when taking a dump! Anyway, that’s why she’s on the phone in Kiera’s garden encouraging blokes to spaff their muck.

Ash, much like Kiera’s mother, thinks this whole studying rubbish Kiera does is a huge, unnecessary distraction from getting blasted on every fucking drug ever, and offers to make Kiera her “little project” for the day. Doesn’t sound sinister, at all!

Kiera seems like the easily led sort, so totally goes along with it. They set up in Kiera’s bathroom, where Ash encourages her to take dirty phone calls. Kiera freezes up, and Ash complains that Kiera just lost her thirty bucks – which to be fair, is the risk you take letting a complete stranger do your job for you.

Ash demonstrates how to do it properly with her next call, who seems to be some sort of leg fetishist. While she’s encouraging the John to “stick that throbbing cock between the crease”, Kiera just stands there looking absolutely bewildered and kinda embarrassed.

Kiera tries again, this time picking up someone who has an IT fetish – which in my line of work, is a disturbing scenario providing more than its fair share of nightmare fuel. She manages to get the computer nerd to finish up quickly by saying she’s naked and typing love notes with her feet… which OK, YKINMKBYKIOK.

Even Ash thinks guys are “fucking gross” and Kiera concludes it is the weirdest shit she’s ever heard. Don’t worry, Ash delivers a short monologue detailing the even more bizarre shit she’s dealt with. Let that be a lesson to everyone who calls Babestation—they are judging you!

Anyway, we’re almost fifteen minutes into this, and nothing much is happening, so Ash starts hinting she’s not into guys IRL. She also implies she’s been jumping over into Kiera’s garden for quite some time and is aware of her study schedule. Not at all stalker-like behaviour.

Nonetheless, the kissing commences and then a cut to Ash throwing Kiera on to the bed. Ash seems very impressed with Kiera’s pussy-licking abilities, proclaiming that there is no way this is her first time! Given how easily Kiera was seduced, that’s probably a fair assessment. The usual g/g-porno positions follow, but I’ll give this scene some credit for how intimate everything is. Lots of noisy kissing throughout, which personally, I really fucking love.

A rather major, personal negative is that Kiera Winters really looks quite young and after a few minutes I felt like a fucking creep.

Scene 3: Casey Calvert & Dahlia Sky

Next, we have Casey Calvert knitting when Dahlia Sky (wearing a “trouble maker” top so you know who the bad girl is) walks in to ask what the heck that’s all about. Casey explains she’s knitting for her Aunt Rita’s party, but Dahlia dismisses the idea with “the bitch is like 90” and will die soon. What a sweetheart!

I did get a bit confused about the familial relationship between Casey and Dahlia here. It seems that they’re portraying adoptive sisters, not step-sisters or actual sisters in this scene, and I’m not entirely sure where that sits on the creepycest scale. So we’ll just gloss over that for now, because it’s a Saturday and I can’t be arsed with ethical discussions about when it’s OK for siblings to do the dirty…

Dahlia thinks Aunt Rita is a bitch, and Casey should have fun by blowing off her stupid knitting and going out and getting drunk. She proceeds to nag the ever-loving-fuck out of Casey for four solid minutes until Casey finally relents and agrees to go to a club. Then follows comments about Casey’s choice of attire, club etiquette involving knitting needles, and other such critical discussions.

The two return a little tipsy and begin discussing guys and girls from the club. Casey concurs with Dahlia that the bartender is pretty hot, and then Dahlia finds a vibrator just conveniently hiding under the sofa cover. She claims she doesn’t know whose it is, but apparently, it could be hers, or it could be their mother’s. I know which vibrators are mine… mostly because my girlfriend will try and steal them. Dahlia later confirms it isn’t her vibrator, though… bit eww, that.

Dahlia tries to use the vibrator on Casey, but she protests. However, it only takes four seconds of nagging this time to get Casey to relent and let her use it over her jeans. Probing Casey about the ‘hot guy’ from the club, Dahlia discovers that Casey isn’t really into guys and so gets the idea that maybe Casey should learn what it’s like to be with a woman by shagging her. Sure, why not?

Casey seems very happy with this idea, and they start making out. Fortunately, they turn the vibrator off as well because that thing is way too fucking loud. I’m guessing Dahlia really loves her brown leather boots because they stay on until the very end.

Ignoring the awkwardness over just how ‘close’ these two are supposed to be, this is a Casey Calvert scene, and consequently, it is fantastic. I am prepared to die on the hill of Casey Calvert’s awesomeness.

Scene 4: Natalie Heart & Allie Haze

And to scene four: Or the ‘Boy, that escalated quickly’ scene. Or I suppose it would be if this scene didn’t start close to the two-hour mark. But yeah, to quote from Natural Born Killers for a moment, Jesus Harold Christ on fucking rubber crutches…

Natalie Heart is having an argument with her abusive father. She doesn’t seem to be taking him too seriously while he verbally abuses her, calls her “fucking stupid” and adopts an increasingly threatening manner. Finally, he pushes her into her bedroom, the door closes, and we hear Natalie being slapped repeatedly. What a sexy way to start a scene, eh? And it gets worse from here.

Allie Haze, who is clearly the local head case, is sipping alcohol from a rather fancy glass on a park bench when a despondent Natalie walks past. Allie complains about being ignored because we’re about to learn she’s a fucking lunatic and is pre-disposed to taking everything both the wrong way, and way too far.

Allie forces Natalie to tell her everything that’s happened. Seemingly concerned for Natalie’s wellbeing, Allie does the only reasonable thing, pulls out a switchblade and suggests that she could just shank Natalie’s problematic father to which the emotionally vulnerable Natalie agrees.

Cue the heavy metal music as we time jump to Allie returning to Natalie, cleaning the blood off her knife, and telling Natalie it’s done. Only it’s not, because Natalie has effectively traded one abusive relationship for another. Allie decides that with the dad dead, now is the proper time to go through the terms of the whole murder-agreement. Natalie now belongs to Allie, will be going home with her, and I assume required to provide whatever services Allie demands.

Of course, no time like the present, so Allie insists that Natalie fuck her in the deceased father’s bed. Yikes!

I’m not against a bit of grit in my filth, but everything about this scenario is just fucking wrong on many, many levels to the point where I failed to find it that sexy and really didn’t want to think about it too much.

Like, I’ve seen movies that are clearly based around coercion scenarios, but there is generally a recognition that the situation is taboo and the sex is presented as such. Here we have a scenario where a traumatised girl is just merrily led along with everything, and is far too submissive and compliant, even engaging in rather intimate and “romantic” sex with someone who is clearly abusive and unpleasant. It’s just kinda dirty… in a bad way.

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