My Kinks: Jilling Off to Jilling Off

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Yeah, I Really Love Wanking

This won’t be the first time I’ve written about the wonders of masturbation. Eh, it probably won’t be the last either. As my girlfriend doesn’t live with me, in our COVID world, my sex life is mostly limited to jilling off. Good job I like masturbating!

More and more, I find myself to jilling off to videos of others jilling off. I’ve always enjoyed watching people wank—women, transwomen, and certain types of men. Other people pleasuring themselves sexy as fuck to me, so much so that even those who I wouldn’t ordinarily find attractive are hot as all hell when they’re bringing themselves to orgasm.

It’s fair to say I’ve amassed quite the collection of videos of exercises in self-love. From the amateur style of feminist Yanks to the more polished style of Metart X, I probably have enough videos of solo sexcapades to keep me going for quite some time. The Life Erotic remains my favourite of websites dedicated to wanton acts of onanism, purely for the creativity of its scenarios, the quality of its production and the artistic style that encompasses everything from normal to unapologetically surreal. It wouldn’t be for everyone, of course, but any site that manages to bring my fondness for darkness together with my kink for watching others play with themselves is going to get high marks from me!

The Hang-Ups of Youth

For me, I think the main turn-on is the intimacy of masturbation. In some ways, I feel it’s more intimate than sex. Many of us are conditioned from our youngest days to think of masturbation as a solo, private activity. Getting “caught” masturbating is likely one of the biggest fears of any young person the moment they learn about the pleasure their body can give them.

Then there is the fact that like anything enjoyable, we seek ways to heighten our enjoyment which introduces a sense of risk to our alone time. In my case, I smuggled dildos and vibrators into the house like a mob-boss trying to get their “product” over the border—my stash stored in a Russian Doll-like construction of lockboxes inside other lockboxes. Even today, I rarely leave such toys scattered around although I don’t generally go to the trouble of hiding them behind lock and key. I did, however, have my girlfriend take temporary ownership of a bunch of self-pleasure products when my house was invaded by family some years’ back, but that’s another story.

Among peers, masturbation was regarded as some sort of joke. It wasn’t the typical thing that almost everyone does; it was some sort of nudge, wink act of pseudo-depravity that nobody dares own up to lest they be regarded in any number of pejorative terms. Nobody wished to risk the mockery of being outed to the small world as some sort of pervo. In some ways, masturbating felt like the ultimate taboo!

Not that everybody’s experiences are the same, of course, but I’d wager a considerable sum that any number of young people associate their moments of self-enjoyment with guilt, shame and a looming fear of embarrassment should one be found breathless and sweating with panties MIA and fingers in their snatch.

Two’s Company, One’s Just Uncomfortable

Those associations don’t simply dissolve as we age—our earliest habits of some of the most difficult to break. Consequently, to masturbate in front of someone can bring a sense of exposure; one in which we might not always be comfortable. I’ve dated people who just couldn’t masturbate in front of me, and although I have jilled off in front of partners, the feeling of being on display can be uncomfortable at times. It’s as much a trust exercise as it is an act of affection.

To some extent, I think masturbation can expose our insecurities. With sex, we share the embarrassment—we don’t worry about what silly noises we might make, or the odd contortions of our faces because we have a partner doing the same thing. That mutual culpability for the oft-ridiculousness of sex provides a suitable comfort blanket, granting permission to lose ourselves in the moment. Even how we look naked isn’t such a big deal because we can always turn out the lights!

When it’s just us, however, those odd contortions, the moans, the jiggles of our bodies… well, it’s not always easy to let go of them and lose ourselves to bliss.

Sexy Projections

Undoubtedly, when I watch a video of someone pleasuring themselves, I am projecting a lot of those hang-ups. The model/performer is obviously not shy or bashful, nor do they (or should they) feel ashamed of what they’re doing.

Nonetheless, I am drawn to the intimacy of somebody exploring and enjoying their body. I love to hear the moans and involuntary exclamations, see eyes roll back and watch legs quiver as they climax. I appreciate it when they make eye-contact with the camera, even if only for a moment because it enhances the sense of intimacy. I watch with amazed enthusiasm at the various ways different performers masturbate; how some caress their tits and others grab them, or how one performer might flick a finger over their nipple while others pinch at them. Some performers sweat, others merely pant. There is so much to love about the myriad of ways one can pursue the joy of orgasm that such a simple act can be watched a thousand times and never once seem the same.

And all of those things of which I am horribly self-aware when I masturbate for others—the facial contortions, the jiggling body parts, the wriggling about are among the sexiest thing in the world for me to watch while jilling off.

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