We all want to own fucking machines, right? Well, OK, maybe not all of us but at least in my head, it’s a sizeable number of people. Course, decent fucking machines cost a pretty penny—hundreds, if not thousands of pounds. Much like the Sybian, people such as myself have to make do with lower-priced imitations of the real thing.

So while I have a reasonably affordable (sorta) riding gizmo to send myself and my girlfriend into orgasmic ecstasy, what I lack is something to give me the pounding that I so desperately need on occasion. That’s why I picked up this little nick-nack from Lovehoney.

Be it up, down, or round and round, this hot-spot seeking vibe will have you squirming with pleasure when you discover its multiple motions. Offering 10 different vibration and thrust settings, its realistically-styled 7.5-inch shaft is poised to please.

First thing’s first, this blurb promises a bit more than the toy can deliver. For a start, while the ’10 Function’ claim is possibly accurate, most of those functions are related to the vibrations rather than the thrust. In terms of thrust, this thing basically has three options – Rapid Pounding, Extreme Rapid Pounding and Pneumatic Drill. Yep, even on the first level of thrust, this thing goes at you like a horny teenager yet to even comprehend the idea of self-control.

That’s not to say it’s terrible, but if you’re hoping for something of a gentle build-up, you’re probably best doing that part manually—and given that I bought the toy so I wouldn’t have to do that, well, it’s a bit of a black mark against it.

Being a toy, it only has a limited range of thrusting motion, and I’ve not found anything that suggests it can do “round and round” as the sales blurb suggests. You’ll only be getting movement from the top third of the toy, so insert it deeply, and it might not be hitting the spots you want it to hit. This is somewhat compounded by the fact that the toy gets narrower towards the tip.

The toy doubles as a vibrator, and you can use both vibration and thrusting functions together. While it creates an interesting sensation, I personally prefer one or the other. With thrusting enabled, the vibrations, even on maximum, are overpowered by the effect of the thrust to the point that although not completely noticeable, it does seem like a waste of batteries. As a vibrator, it’s pretty much what you’d expect. There are different levels of vibration but no particularly innovative or eye-rollingly blissful patterns.

As for battery life, this thing takes three Double-A batteries and can be a bit of a fiddle to get everything locked back in place. I much prefer rechargeable toys but at this price point, that’s a lot to ask for. I will say that is surprisingly economical. If like me, you prefer longer self-pleasure sessions, this device isn’t likely to crap out on you midway. I would estimate that depending on how you use it, you could get a good few hours of enjoyment before it goes from enthusiastic to exhausted.

How I tend to use it is to pop it between some pillows to stop it pumping itself all the way down the bed, and just lie back and let it do it’s thing. With the right amount of resistance at the base, it will stay where I want it to stay. Furthermore, it doesn’t seem to get particularly warm so no fear over unwanted explosions! It is capable of getting me to climax, and although the material isn’t the softest (rubbery), when lubed up sufficiently it’s quite a bit of fun—especially when I can use my hands to stimulate other parts of my body. Just be aware that the buttons aren’t the easiest to press with lubed up fingers.

Being the adventurous sort, I have also tried it in the butt. I figure there may be some other people out there curious at the possibilities—I mean, you could get two and have a fun time DPing yourself, right? Or you might be a guy wanting something a bit new! Well, it is possible to use this in the rear, but you’ll need to have loosened yourself up quite a bit. If you clench too hard, it’s enough to get this device to stall, which is good to know from a safety point of view, but somewhat frustrating nonetheless. I lack the experience to know what goes on during a male P-spot orgasm but I imagine there’s a lot of clenching involved? It’s probably going to be a bit more tricky for the guys.

One final note, this thing is fairly loud. If you share space with folk you would prefer not to know when you’re having some self-sexy time, then you’ll probably not want to use this toy. It’s not the loudest toy on the market, but I did a quick test and left it running on my bed and I could still hear it through my closed door.

For the price, I wouldn’t say this is a bad purchase providing you temper your expectations. It’s never going to be my toy of choice, but when I need a bit of inexpensive machine-fucking, this can suffice. It’s managed to pique my interest in more thrusting dildos, so by that measure, I could call it quite the success. I have some concerns over its longevity, as I imagine the motor isn’t going to be up to much. But I’m a girl who has burned out magic wands, so I’m a bit touchy about such things!

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